When you are president for life, term limits can be a bitch. Nevertheless, here is my program in the unlikely event that I become absolute ruler.

Possession of an accordion will be a misdemeanor. Possession of an accordion with intent to commit "Lady of Spain" will be a felony, punishable by bagpiping for a term of not less than one year.

Any female wishing to call herself "Cathy," or some variant thereof, will be required to spell it C-A-T-H-Y. Any deviation from this spelling will be punished by changing the offender's name to "Dumpy." Alisons and Michelles of the world, take note and amend your wicked ways.

Giant puppet heads will be set ablaze whenever encountered. Stiltwalkers are to be chainsawed.

It shall be illegal to commit topiary upon a poodle. Their fur is to be shorn to a uniform length.